I can’t imagine that I’m the only one who finds myself so overwhelmed with emotion when I start praying that before I know it, I’m “snot-sobbing”. The tears flow from my eyes with the same intensity as water gushing from an upcapped fire hydrant. They may be tears from suffering in some manner, be it anxiety, stress, depression, or feeling overwhelmed, but oftentimes they are tears of surrender in pleading to GOD, “Lord, PLEASE take it…take it all. I can’t do this anymore.” Followed by a ton of praise, thanking Him for His eternal faithfulness and every blessing.
Only recently did I realize that “surrendering to GOD” is NOT a “one-and-done” commitment. For the last four and a half years I’ve professed and confessed that I’ve surrendered to Him, but then there’s been this intense back-and-forth. I give it to GOD, then I take a little bit back. “I can handle this…it’s small, I don’t need to bother You with this.” And that “little thing” never seems to be resolved or finished, then I’m right back to surrendering everything to Him. He’s always willing to take it and then I’m on to the next thing until I start thinking that I can do “this” or “that” on my own. Before I realize it, I’m back at the foot of the cross with a tote bag and I’m stuffing some of the small stuff back inside. As I turn away from the cross I’m always thinking, “I just hate to ‘bother’ Him with these annoying little things; I’ve got this”, and I never look back because I’m pretty sure He’d be beckoning me to just “leave it”.
I return to my life, carrying the tote bag of the “small stuff” that I’m not supposed to “sweat”, and yet EVERY SINGLE TIME, I am, indeed, “sweating” it. I make my way back to the cross, overturning my tote bag, giving it all back to Him. This has been exhausting. Surrendering to GOD shouldn’t be so hard because He is ALWAYS in control. Even when I think I’m “controlling it”, I’m not…HE is. I’m pretty sure it’s related to my ego. The definition of “ego” is “a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance”. I’m okay with the “self-esteem” part – everyone should have a good and healthy sense of self, but I’m much less impressed with self-importance. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been living a Christ-centered life for that long and I’m still a “work in progress”. What I DO know is that I TRUST GOD and His Word. What I DON’T TRUST is the world but let’s face it, I lived in the world for fifty-four years before I started living in the Word.
I’m just so thankful that when I do this “back-and-forth” of surrendering, there’s no judgment or condemnation. He’s always there every time I collapse at the foot of the cross and give it all to Him – the big stuff AND the small stuff. Sometimes I think if I could hear His voice, I might hear, “Terri, seriously, I DO want it all…you’re NOT bothering me. You’re my Daughter and I ALWAYS want to help you.” Perhaps it’s not just me typing those words and instead, I’m hearing them in my heart.
I always feel so much lighter after a “snot-sob-praying” fest where I’ve again, dumped everything at the foot of the cross. I’m tired of taking stuff back. I’ve come to realize that surrendering to GOD is absolutely NOT a “one and done”, and if that means I need to surrender to Him on a daily basis, so be it. I want Him to have it all so that I can concentrate on doing what He put me on this earth to do… spread the Gospel, serve others, and glorify Him.
Although I know He loves me with an eternal, unfailing love, I’m sure He’d like to see more from me than just “ugly crying”!
“Give all of your worries and cares to GOD, for he cares for you.” ~1 Peter 5:7
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” ~Romans 8:1
~Let Love Lead The Way~ TP