As the days, weeks and now months have passed since my beloved father died, I’ve been struggling with how to live happily without him. He was everything to me. He was the beacon of light on a dark day. He was the ray of sunshine that burst through the clouds when my mood was dismal. He was my last phone call of the day. I made sure that we always had that nightly opportunity to recap our respective day and to exchange, “I love you’s”. It’s now been sixty-four days since I’ve spoken with or hugged him. But who’s counting. Oh, yeah… that’d be me… I’m counting. Truth-to-tell, I have spoken to him every day since his passing, but naturally, it’s a one-sided conversation. I miss his voice, but am blessed in having a couple of audio recordings of conversations we had earlier this year. These weren’t recorded by chance… they were done purposefully, in preparation of when he would inevitably be gone from this world. There are a few videos, too, but I’m not quite ready to listen to, or watch them, just yet.
This isn’t my first loss of a loved one and surely it won’t be my last. I’ve been down this road countless times, beginning at age thirteen with the loss of my wonderful “Gramps”, followed by the loss of my brother four years later (and so on, and so forth), and I know I’ll travel it again. It’s not a straight, bumpless path… it twists, turns and it’s filled with hills, both negligible and steep, with hidden, grass-covered divots, in which I’ll undoubtedly stumble. I’ve encountered many hills and valleys throughout my life, as many people do, but my Dad was always there… either pushing me up, or pulling me up from those respective hills and valleys.
When he was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently died nine days later, the joy and peace of my salvation promptly made its way to the back burner where it simmered on low for many, many weeks, overshadowed by the enormous loss of him and my grief.
Photo Cred: The Gourmand Mom
I was not, and am not, “mad at God” for “taking my father”. The week before he passed, I got down on my knees and prayed to God to “please not let him suffer” and I distinctly remember saying, “If that means you have to take him next week, Lord, please do.” Prayers answered.
I clearly thought we had more time; perhaps several weeks or a couple of months, but I’ve come to the realization that if God had not called my Dad home when He did, my fear of him suffering would have become reality, and as much as I miss him, that would have been too much to bear.
In my mind’s eye, and in my heart, I can see that the back burner is empty now. The flame is gone and instead, the front burner is fully lit on high and my joy and peace are slowly beginning to “bubble away”.
Photo Cred: The Cook’s Info
I knew they would return and even though they might jump to the back burner occasionally, I’m confident in knowing that they will never be gone… they may just need to “simmer” once in a while when not at a full “rolling boil”, for those times when I simply need to acknowledge my loss, my sadness and cry, as I continue to live without someone I loved beyond measure.
Revelation 21:4: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
~Let Love Lead The Way~ TP